now, can someone remind me why I'm putting myself through all of this?

strugglin

Just got out of my third ever Weight Watchers meeting, and with unpleasant results--I gained two pounds this week. I was prepared for this, considering that I used all of my points this week and was rather irresponsible about tracking, but it was still difficult to see. It reminds me, though, how important it is to keep going. I have chosen to change my lifestyle, and I have to hold myself accountable for the times when I slip into old habits or lose my focus. And the great thing about Weight Watchers is the week-to-week philosophy; I didn't lose this week, sure, but next week holds great promise, as does the week after that.

Regardless of the numbers, I find myself facing a familiar struggle this week. At my current weight, I can tell that I look very, very different from how I looked a year ago, and it makes me incredibly happy sometimes to just look at myself in the mirror and praise my accomplishments thus far. The problem, though, is that I still see the "problem spots" that I saw a year ago as evidence that I have a long ways to go. I still wear the same pants size (though the pants fit much more loosely now). I still have the same fear about wearing skinny jeans without boots, thinking that they'll emphasize my hips too much; or wearing leggings in public for fear that people will notice my big butt. On one side of the token, I'm incredibly proud of myself for how far I've come--on the other, I'm terrified that I won't make it to the finish line, and that if I do, I'll do it the wrong way and I'll never be happy.

I don't want my weight loss to be all about what I see in the mirror, or the size of my pants, but it would be absurd of me to pretend that aesthetics aren't a huge part of why I'm doing this. I want to have the satisfaction of knowing that I am no longer "plus-sized." I want to see what my body looks like at a healthy weight. I'm excited about those things. But that excitement comes with great hesitation--I don't want to become obsessed with my reflection, and I don't want to fall in to the pattern of casting negative judgments on my body the way it is. I want to be at once satisfied and forgiving with myself, while remaining motivated to reach a goal that will completely change the person I see in the mirror. And I can't seem to find a way to reconcile the two.

See the problem? Advise me, readers.

oops!

Just a short update today, because I have to spend the next four hours of my life trying to learn how to operate table saws for carpentry crew against my will.

I have had two exhausting (but exceedingly wonderful) days in a row being back at school, and as a result I managed to sleep through my Weight Watchers meeting this morning. But I lost 3 pounds this week! I'm not quite sure how I managed it, but I'm quite pleased.

While I was home, I bought a new pair of goal pants, and I'm very excited to see if they fit next week! I'll post a picture if they do, of course. It's amazing the difference that losing two or three pounds makes at my current weight, as opposed to when I began this adventure...soon enough, I'll have to buy a whole new wardrobe. Can't say I'm complaining.

cross your cyber-fingers that I don't maim myself with carpentry tools,
Mandy