Just got out of my third ever Weight Watchers meeting, and with unpleasant results--I gained two pounds this week. I was prepared for this, considering that I used all of my points this week and was rather irresponsible about tracking, but it was still difficult to see. It reminds me, though, how important it is to keep going. I have chosen to change my lifestyle, and I have to hold myself accountable for the times when I slip into old habits or lose my focus. And the great thing about Weight Watchers is the week-to-week philosophy; I didn't lose this week, sure, but next week holds great promise, as does the week after that.
Regardless of the numbers, I find myself facing a familiar struggle this week. At my current weight, I can tell that I look very, very different from how I looked a year ago, and it makes me incredibly happy sometimes to just look at myself in the mirror and praise my accomplishments thus far. The problem, though, is that I still see the "problem spots" that I saw a year ago as evidence that I have a long ways to go. I still wear the same pants size (though the pants fit much more loosely now). I still have the same fear about wearing skinny jeans without boots, thinking that they'll emphasize my hips too much; or wearing leggings in public for fear that people will notice my big butt. On one side of the token, I'm incredibly proud of myself for how far I've come--on the other, I'm terrified that I won't make it to the finish line, and that if I do, I'll do it the wrong way and I'll never be happy.
I don't want my weight loss to be all about what I see in the mirror, or the size of my pants, but it would be absurd of me to pretend that aesthetics aren't a huge part of why I'm doing this. I want to have the satisfaction of knowing that I am no longer "plus-sized." I want to see what my body looks like at a healthy weight. I'm excited about those things. But that excitement comes with great hesitation--I don't want to become obsessed with my reflection, and I don't want to fall in to the pattern of casting negative judgments on my body the way it is. I want to be at once satisfied and forgiving with myself, while remaining motivated to reach a goal that will completely change the person I see in the mirror. And I can't seem to find a way to reconcile the two.
See the problem? Advise me, readers.
Do you ever read the blog "Already Pretty"? http://www.alreadypretty.com/
ReplyDeleteThere's a great post today about vanity vs. genuine appreciation for one's body. I really like her take on body image (some of her outfits are a little too out-there for me, but I think she writes rather well).
We all have "problem spots" - at least, I've never met a woman who didn't think she had them. You are not alone =) I think that learning to love your body is a process that never stops, especially as we get older. Love yourself and your body the way you are now, but know that you and your body will change over time, but that love can stay consistent.
I've recently started trying to exercise regularly again (2 1/2 weeks and going strong!), and I have MAJOR respect for what it takes to do that. I'm going to start a muay thai kickboxing class once school is done for the semester, and I'm trying to get semi-in-shape before then... eek!
Allison--if I come back to cle this summer, I really really want to take a yoga class! Are you down?
ReplyDeleteDefinitely! I am going to be WAY less busy this summer, and am really excited about that, lol =)
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