strugglin

Just got out of my third ever Weight Watchers meeting, and with unpleasant results--I gained two pounds this week. I was prepared for this, considering that I used all of my points this week and was rather irresponsible about tracking, but it was still difficult to see. It reminds me, though, how important it is to keep going. I have chosen to change my lifestyle, and I have to hold myself accountable for the times when I slip into old habits or lose my focus. And the great thing about Weight Watchers is the week-to-week philosophy; I didn't lose this week, sure, but next week holds great promise, as does the week after that.

Regardless of the numbers, I find myself facing a familiar struggle this week. At my current weight, I can tell that I look very, very different from how I looked a year ago, and it makes me incredibly happy sometimes to just look at myself in the mirror and praise my accomplishments thus far. The problem, though, is that I still see the "problem spots" that I saw a year ago as evidence that I have a long ways to go. I still wear the same pants size (though the pants fit much more loosely now). I still have the same fear about wearing skinny jeans without boots, thinking that they'll emphasize my hips too much; or wearing leggings in public for fear that people will notice my big butt. On one side of the token, I'm incredibly proud of myself for how far I've come--on the other, I'm terrified that I won't make it to the finish line, and that if I do, I'll do it the wrong way and I'll never be happy.

I don't want my weight loss to be all about what I see in the mirror, or the size of my pants, but it would be absurd of me to pretend that aesthetics aren't a huge part of why I'm doing this. I want to have the satisfaction of knowing that I am no longer "plus-sized." I want to see what my body looks like at a healthy weight. I'm excited about those things. But that excitement comes with great hesitation--I don't want to become obsessed with my reflection, and I don't want to fall in to the pattern of casting negative judgments on my body the way it is. I want to be at once satisfied and forgiving with myself, while remaining motivated to reach a goal that will completely change the person I see in the mirror. And I can't seem to find a way to reconcile the two.

See the problem? Advise me, readers.

oops!

Just a short update today, because I have to spend the next four hours of my life trying to learn how to operate table saws for carpentry crew against my will.

I have had two exhausting (but exceedingly wonderful) days in a row being back at school, and as a result I managed to sleep through my Weight Watchers meeting this morning. But I lost 3 pounds this week! I'm not quite sure how I managed it, but I'm quite pleased.

While I was home, I bought a new pair of goal pants, and I'm very excited to see if they fit next week! I'll post a picture if they do, of course. It's amazing the difference that losing two or three pounds makes at my current weight, as opposed to when I began this adventure...soon enough, I'll have to buy a whole new wardrobe. Can't say I'm complaining.

cross your cyber-fingers that I don't maim myself with carpentry tools,
Mandy

why being home sucks for weight loss

sorry for the delay--I wrote many drafts, but didn't feel like posting any of them. In major news, I've attended two Weight Watchers meetings in the flesh, and I'm really enjoying it. Plus, it works.

But for the present, I'm facing a serious dilemma: being in Cleveland. I love being home, seeing friends, and taking time to relax...but I realize now how different my lifestyle here is from my lifestyle in Ithaca, where I can't eat all of my parents food and go out to eat with friends all the time. I've been compensating with working out, but the harsh truth of losing weight is that working out can only do so much, and it takes a whole lot of working out to undo eating something you regret.

On the other hand, it has been great to get back to the gym. I took a serious break from working out steadily in recent months, but this week has reminded me how necessary exercise has been for my weight loss. I've been mixing it up a lot--running, biking, and the elliptical this week--and I think that variety might be the key to staying moving. I was very sore yesterday, but I simply took a rest day and got back to work today. I have a very good feeling about this.

Other than that, break has been good--can't believe I got to see so many of my homies-- but I'm equally excited to get back to Ithaca to enjoy the springtime scenery and the stars. Hopefully the snow will be melted so I can maybe, just maybe, go for a walk outside without worrying about ice.

cheers,
Mandy